“What works?” is a question we should ask in every area of life – running a business, keeping customers happy, building a strong marriage, parenting children, staying organized, lowering cholesterol, curing cancer, you name it.

We can even apply that question to the other questions in life. Then, the question becomes, “What questions work well for us?” These are the questions we need to ask every day. So let’s take a look at questions that can work well for us, produce the results we want. And let’s also look at common alternatives. Those are the harmful questions that lead us away from our desired goals. Some of these questions come from Dr. Marilee G. Adams, author of the book Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, and I’ve written many others.

Some life coaches refer to the beneficial questions as “learner questions,” because they demonstrate a desire to learn and grow. And they refer to the harmful or less productive questions as “judger questions,” because they produce critical judgments, which in turn produce negative feelings and diminished success.

Now, this terminology doesn’t mean that judging is always a bad thing. Some people preach a philosophy of moral relativism, which states that people should never judge. Some claim we should never speak about what’s right or wrong. And many go further to proclaim that there is no such thing as right or wrong – or even reality. They maintain there is only individual choice and individual perception.

That philosophy has some pieces of truth but falls apart logically when taken too far. And it falls apart for all of us personally whenever we’ve been wronged. When we are wronged, we want everyone to sympathize and declare we’ve been treated badly! We want people to judge!

So, I don’t want the use of the phrase “judger questions” to reinforce the idea that all judging is bad. It’s perfectly okay to judge or discern someone’s character, motive, etc. That kind of judging helps us be wise and keeps us emotionally and physically safe.

We’re talking about the kind of judging that is condemned in the Christian Bible – that highly critical, harshly judgmental, unloving, negative, hypocritical type of judging that really doesn’t work well in the long run, even in dog-eat-dog business environments.

So, let’s look at a few options for question asking, as we navigate our daily lives at work and at home.

Judger asks, “Who’s to blame here?” Learner asks, “What can I and others do to improve things?”

Judger asks, “How should I tell him he screwed up?” Learner asks, “Can I clearly explain how I would like things done the next time?”

Judger asks, “What’s wrong in this environment?” Learner asks, “What’s right in this environment, and how can we do more of that?”

Judger asks, “How can I look superior?” Learner asks, “What can I learn? And how can I help others?”

Judger asks, “How can I prove I’m right?” Learner asks, “What are the facts? What is the full truth? What is wise? What is the best thing for us to do right now?”

Judger asks, “How can I attack him or make him feel bad?” Learner asks, “How can I build him up, encourage him, guide him, and also enforce some boundaries when needed?”

Judger asks, “How can I control others?” Learner asks, “How can I control myself and maintain a healthy boundary to protect myself?”

Judger asks, “How will I be hurt?” Lerner asks, “How can I help others?”

Judger asks, “How can I defend myself in the face of criticism?” Learner asks, “What truth is there in this criticism, if any? Am I being honest with myself? And how can I help Judger to feel understood?”

Judger asks, “How can I get an immediate answer for everything?” Learner asks, “Can I temporarily endure the discomfort of not having everything figured out?”

Judger desperately asks, “How can I eliminate imperfection in others?” Learner patiently asks, “Can I simultaneously accept what is, while still working towards needed improvement?”

Judger asks, “What should be rejected?” Learner asks, “What can be accepted or negotiated?”

Judger asks either-or questions and suggests false dilemmas. Learner considers both-and questions.

For example, Judger asks, “Which of us is right?” Learner asks, “In what ways are we both right?”

Judger asks, “How can I win out over this other person?” Learner asks, “How can we both win? And what are the best options for each of us?”

Judger asks a lot of questions about the things outside of his control. Learner asks a lot of questions about the things under his control.

Judger asks, “How can I avoid change?” Learner asks, “How can I manage change well?”

Judger asks, “How can I protect my turf?” Learner asks, “What are the highest goals for this organization or family? Am I working toward those goals?”

Judger asks, “How could I lose in this situation?” Learner asks, “What could I gain?”

Judger asks, “Why is that other person so dense?” Learner asks, “What does this person need from me and others in order to do better?”

Judger asks, “Why bother to try?” Learner asks, “What is possible?”

Judger stubbornly clings to the question, “What do we usually do?” Learner asks, “What options haven’t I considered? What limitations have I placed on my thinking? How else can I think about this?”

Judger asks, “How has this hurt me?” Learner asks, “What’s useful about this? How is it helping me to grow, even though it’s painful?”

Judger secretly asks himself, “What’s wrong with me?” Learner asks, “What’s right about me, and how am I working on improving?”

Judgers tend to react emotionally and out of ingrained habit; learners strive to respond with self-control and prethought. Judgers tend to feel powerless; learners are growing in their sense of personal power. Judgers often feel fear; learners are growing in faith, trust, and personal responsibility. Judgers often have a scarcity mentality; learners see abundance.

It’s useful to ask ourselves on a daily basis whether we’ve fallen into judger mode, or whether we’ve climbed into learner mode. Everyday we can decide which we prefer.  And we can ask ourselves, “What can help me get back into learner mode, or stay in learner mode?”

I could present a list of benefits for operating in learner mode more often. But why not conduct your own experiment and see what happens? I’ll let you know how my experiment goes.

© 2012 Caryl D. Schlicher A Bridge To Excellence

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts totaling no more than 10 sentences and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Caryl Schlicher and A Bridge To Excellence, and provided that the appropriate URL is given to direct readers to the original content.

On the same casual level, we use the term agenda for what we want to accomplish at any given moment.

I had to chuckle to myself the other day as I recalled a moment that will forever be frozen in my memory, and realized what a great example it was of different paradigms and agendas.

It all began many years ago when I decided my husband and I should fulfill my dream of attending the Kentucky Derby. I made this decision, mind you, only a week or two before the big weekend in May. I knew that the odds of finding a motel room were not good, but I was determined to try.

After a few phone calls, I actually had a man on the other end of the line with a room available. I don’t know if it was something in his voice or just my intuition, but something prompted me to ask – a tad suspiciously, I must confess – if the rooms were nice and clean. “Oh, yes,” he reassured me. Against my better judgment, I decided to trust him, and I put my money down for the two-night minimum stay.

The Run for the Roses was, of course, on a Saturday, so we arrived that Friday for check-in. The “lobby,” if you could even call it that, was a stretch of filthy floor about 7’ by 9’ in front of a large, built-in counter for the clerk. There was only enough room for two hard plastic chairs against the front wall, to the left of the front door. To the right of the front door was an archway that led to a bar. I peered through the archway into the darkness and saw a single customer with his back to us, perched on a barstool and slumped over his drink. I decided that had to be the darkest, most depressing bar room I had ever seen.

But we were not deterred. Always frugal with our money, we certainly had stayed in questionable motels before. The clerk was the same gruff, middle-aged man I had spoken to on the phone. We completed our check-in with him, and then went to assess our room.

The room was NOT straight out of a horror movie. No signs that a murder had been committed. No sickening garbage strewn all over. No insects actually visible. But . . . it had an indescribable air of raunchiness. It seemed that everything was coated with a thin, slightly moist layer of filth. We were left with the utter conviction that we did not want to touch the doorknobs, did not want to walk barefoot on the carpet, and did not want to allow our bare skin to touch the bed sheets.

“Well, we’ll survive,” we said.

“Live and learn,” I added.

“We’ll go to the race tomorrow, and then see how we feel,” my husband suggested. “Maybe they’ll let us cancel out of the second night if they have others wanting the room.”

That night, we covered ourselves as best we could with pajamas and other articles of clothing, and slipped between the bed sheets, cringing all the way. Morning could not come soon enough.

The next day arrived, and we were thrilled to abandon our motel room for a breakfast diner, some leisurely newspaper reading, and a drive around Louisville, before making our way to Churchill Downs. The excitement began to mount. At long last, I was going to see the famous Kentucky Derby! The home of fine ladies in large, glamorous hats, sipping refreshing mint juleps! I had never had a mint julep, but I knew I liked mint, and the word julep reminded me of fruit juice, which I adored. I was imagining a drink with a delicious, sweet taste. And of course, I couldn’t wait to see the horses running! I had been a horse lover since I was old enough to know what horses were.

Naturally, because of our late planning and lack of connections, our tickets were for the infield. No problem there! We would have a nice picnic on the grass, and then we would be “up close and personal” as the horses ran by!

As we made our way through the crowded turnstiles, the heat of the day began to make its presence known, and the thick crowds only added to the sticky, close feeling. I studied our ticket taker, a roughhewn type, with dry, coarse hands and dirty fingernails. Then I saw a strange thing. Prior to that moment, he had been inserting the tickets into the slot in the metal turnstile, but as we approached he furtively reached out for our tickets and slid them into his pocket. “Something fraudulent there,” I immediately thought, “perhaps saving them for a friend?” I didn’t know, and there was nothing that I could do, so I put it out of mind.

We made our way to the infield and joined the festivities. Our picnic didn’t go as planned. The available food was not very good, and the mint juleps turned out to be these horrible tasting, watered-down mixtures of . . . well, I don’t know but that couldn’t have been the recipe that yielded such a famous name!

We found it difficult to find a spot of grass that didn’t have marijuana smoke and cigarette smoke wafting over from nearby revelers, so after a while, we decided to wander around. The heat was becoming oppressive, and we dabbed at our faces and necks with tissues.

By then, I was beginning to think I should hit the restrooms, so we set off to locate them. The low-slung, concrete block building had a long line of women snaking out of the women’s entrance. We looked to the other side and saw that the men’s entrance also had a long line of women waiting for relief. I don’t remember which line I chose, but I remember that the restrooms were about like what you’d find at a bad campground – sopping wet strings of thin toilet paper strewn over wet, grungy concrete floors, graffiti and over-flowing waste baskets, dirty sinks that didn’t work, and so on.

As I left the building and located my husband, I turned my attention to a disturbance about thirty feet to my right. There was some shoving going on, with shouts and cries of disgust. Then a huge, naked man emerged from the crowd, slightly crouched into a Sumo wrestler pose and circling around, searching for his target. Because of his huge rolls of fat, he really did look the part of a Sumo wrestler, minus the loin cloth, of course.

“C’mon. C’mon. I’ll take you on,” he growled, inviting anyone who wanted to fight with him to step forward. His mouth was already bloody, as though he’d been kicked in the teeth, but he seemed to be anesthetized with plenty of alcohol and oblivious to the pain. We stood there mesmerized for a while, as he continued to circle around and invite someone in the crowd to take him on. When no further action seemed to be developing, we wandered away.

That had about done it for us. With the heat and humidity pressing on us, and an uninterrupted string of turn-offs, our goal now was to see the race and get out of Louisville as fast as possible. Another night in that motel room now seemed like unbearable torture.

Standing at the tall chain link, our view of the race amounted to about a two-second blur of brown and black horseflesh flying by. It was impossible to tell who was where. The race ended, and while the festivities were occurring somewhere else in the stadium, our view was of more and more hot, sticky people.

We began to move en masse out of the stadium, packed together shoulder to shoulder, inching our way back through the turnstile area and through the parking lot, the slowest moving crowd ever. As far as the eye could see, people were bumping shoulders as they barely shuffled along under the blazing sun, trying hard to tune out the sound of kids whining and parents snapping at them in frustration. After all of this, I had had it. My love for humanity had evaporated like many of the beads of sweat on my forehead that day.

Our plan was clear. We would return to the motel and ask for our money back – on the basis of fraud if necessary. I had been promised a nice, clean room. I had been misled. We returned to the motel and presented our request to the clerk, the same gruff man we had encountered before. He denied our request and presented the expected arguments – special weekend, two-night minimum, we knew that up front, etc. Never one to give up so easily, I clenched my jaw and pulled out my trump card:

“You told me over the phone that you had nice, clean rooms, and THESE AREN’T, so the least you can do is give us a refund if you’re able to rent the room to someone else.”

To my surprise, he readily agreed to that, no doubt hoping to get rid of us, and told us he’d send us a refund receipt through the mail. Ehhh, not so fast, bud. By this point, we weren’t about to trust this guy or let him get away with more deception. We were pretty sure that if we left town, we’d never see that refund.

We told him that we would sit and wait for a customer to come along, so that we could get our refund immediately. He argued for a while but then grudgingly agreed, and we plopped ourselves down onto those hard plastic chairs, still hot and fuming and ready to blow at any minute.

As the minutes ticked by, a few people came and went to fetch their key or ask a question, but these were people who already had a room. Then, the front door swung open and I glanced to my right to see a nice-looking African-American man of about 35. He leaned in, smiled, and asked, “Do you have any rooms left?”

The clerk took one look at him, narrowed his eyes a bit, and said, “Nope.”

At that point, our final button had been pushed: my husband and I rocketed out of our chairs toward the desk clerk and yelled as loud as we could, “YES, YOU DO!!!”

I then glanced over my shoulder at the would-be customer and saw the most stunned look, with eyes opened as wide as they could possibly go. What must he have thought?

That is the moment that will remain forever in my memory – the nice gentleman standing frozen with his hand on the door, with a look in his eyes perfect for any television situation comedy, the two of us having just exploded and turning to see the expression on his face, and the clerk standing resolutely, arms folded across his chest, surveying the scene.

“Uh, that’s okay,” the young man stammered, eyes darting around the room as he slowly stepped backwards and then disappeared from the doorway.

A few minutes later, a white man came to make the same inquiry and was rented our room, and we got our refund.

What was my paradigm in that earlier moment? I was a somewhat naïve Northern gal in her twenties. I was convinced the surly clerk was stubbornly refusing to cooperate with us just for sport, or because he still had hopes of keeping his clutches on our precious cash. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I probably had witnessed racial discrimination.

I sometimes wonder what the man at the door was thinking. What was his paradigm? He might have seen through the motel clerk in a flash, but what sense did he make of us? Wild-eyed crusaders out to wipe out all the discrimination in the world? Psychotic weirdos? I realized that we were the ones who might have looked scary to him, more than the clerk, as he no doubt wondered what he had just walked into.

And what of the clerk? Did he really believe that whites somehow deserved better treatment than people with darker skin? Or did he live the life of a coward who never had the guts to stand up to his own social acquaintances and take a stand for justice? And if the latter, what did he believe would happen to him if he tried?

My agenda was to obtain a refund. The would-be customer just wanted a room for the night. And the clerk? Well, I suppose we’ve speculated enough about him.

Dr. Stephen Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, tells a touching story that illustrates the meaning of paradigm and paradigm shift. He recounts how he was on the subway one Sunday morning, enjoying the relative quiet as people read their newspapers or sat in silence. At the next stop, a man got on with his young children and slumped down on the seat next to Covey. The children were acting very hyper, running here and there, even grabbing some people’s newspapers, while the father sat staring at the floor, oblivious to the behavior of his children. Finally, when Dr. Covey could contain his irritation no longer, he said to the father, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The father roused from his thoughts, seemed to realize the situation for the first time, and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Covey writes, “Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently.”

At that point, his agenda became, “What can I do to help?”

As we move through our personal lives and work lives, it’s always helpful to remember the modern day meanings of paradigm and agenda, and to realize that our paradigms are limited. Something that seems so clear to us may not be happening at all, which is always – in every situation – reason enough for us to pause and reconsider.

© 2012 Caryl D. Schlicher A Bridge To Excellence

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts totaling no more than 10 sentences and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Caryl Schlicher and A Bridge To Excellence, and provided that the appropriate URL is given to direct readers to the original content.

In part 1, we looked at the damaging misconception that we are required to forget as well as forgive. You will recall that we checked a major cultural influence here in America, the Christian Bible, and discovered that Jesus did not even require reconciliation in all cases, let alone forgetting about the incident. So, in the process of dispelling the myth that we should forget, we also dispelled the myth that we can’t hand out consequences.

And at this point, it’s helpful to note the differences among forgiveness, reconciliation, and full restoration. As we said in Part 1, forgiveness is a dropping of hatred, animosity, resentment, and a desire for revenge. Reconciliation is restoring the wrongdoer back into relationship. Full restoration is reconciliation with a return to all the rights and privileges that were enjoyed before – no new limitations, safeguards, rules, consequences, etc. Forgiveness should always occur, whereas reconciliation or full restoration may not be wise in some situations.

In part 2, we looked at the very common – but extremely unhealthy – belief that we should avoid discussing conflict, that ignoring conflict is a peacemaking virtue. We also looked at a long list of invalidating statements that can shame and silence others, reinforcing the idea that individuals do not have a right to their feelings or a right to express them.

In this final installment, we will move beyond misconceptions to look at two more reasons why forgiveness is so hard for us:
3) because of our inexperience with healthy conflict resolution, we often lack the skills we need to handle such a conversation well, and when the conversation goes badly, forgiveness becomes even harder for both sides
4) many of us lack humility and empathy

Reason #3 is a matter of skill, knowledge, and training. Reason #4 is a matter of the heart. If our heart is not right, our skills fly right out the window when we need them. And even if our heart is in the right place, we can botch things up if we lack the proper skills.

To do conflict resolution well and foster forgiveness, it helps to master both the head and the heart.

In their book, Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act The Way You Do, Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy make the important point that it does little good for a sports coach (or we could substitute pastor, priest, counselor, life coach, trainer, parent, mentor, etc.) to give locker room pep talks and increase the DESIRE of the team to do well. The coach has to get out on the field during practice and actually teach and refine skills. Only then, when skills have been improved, can the team avoid getting slaughtered by the opponents.

So, let’s begin with some basic training for conflict resolution, for anyone who hasn’t heard this elsewhere:

1. Assign responsibility appropriately. Who made which mistakes? Look for mistakes on all sides, because there are almost always mistakes on both sides. This means, first, don’t be in denial. That’s more easily said than done, but denial means believing to some degree that the injury never occurred. Second, don’t indulge in inappropriate self-blame. Do you always think everything is your fault? Don’t do that, either. Most often, we have trouble identifying our own contribution to the conflict, seeing ourselves as innocent victims. Sometimes we are, but usually we are not. It can be extremely painful to see things truthfully, but as the line goes, “the truth will make you free.” (John 8: 32) You may need a pastor, priest, counselor, life coach, or other mentor to help restore accurate vision.

2. Take time to grieve over your mistakes and the pain of being hurt by others. Another true saying is, “You won’t heal what you don’t feel.” Pain’s not always a bad thing. One motto of Alcoholics Anonymous is, “The only way out is through.” It’s better to sit with your pain and move through it than to spend your life foolishly thinking you can outrun it.

3. Develop understanding of the other party. You can see people as bad, mad, or sad. If you see them as bad, you say, “They did this because they’re bad.” There is no logic, no understanding, no peace. If you see them as mad, you say, “They did this because they were angry about X.” At least you have a logical explanation, but you still find it hard to grant mercy. If you can see them as sad, you say, “Now I see the pain that motivated them. I feel compassion for them.”

4. Think about what your goals are for your life, apart from your relationship with this person. Find a vision for who you want to be and what you want to be doing in the future. Make a plan and begin to take those steps right away. Make sure that growing spiritually and helping others is part of your plan. Live your life and live it well!

5. Choose to forgive, and then begin the process. Realize that forgiveness may take time. Remember your desire to feel better and be free of the pain. Avoid the myths discussed earlier. In terms of consequences, remember that one solution does not fit all.

6. Optional in some cases: Using wise teaching, including training in listening skills, have a conflict resolution conversation in which you first ask forgiveness for your own failings, express grace to the other party, and then share, “When X happened, I felt Y, and what I would like in the future is Z.” Then, the other person will have the opportunity to apologize sincerely and commit to change. Even if the other person refuses to apologize and change, forgiveness is still required.

No one article could cover everything, but the steps above help us to engage the head. Now let’s turn to the heart. Why do we struggle so?

First, as I mentioned earlier, I believe distorted teaching of Biblical wisdom has created confusion in the American culture about what is right and wrong. Thus, a lot of emotional resistance to forgiveness has been generated unnecessarily. People naturally want to rebel against distorted or wrong advice. Even before they fix their ignorance of Judeo-Christian teachings, they sense in their gut that something isn’t right (which is evidence, I personally believe, of the indomitable power and universality of that Truth).

But beyond the emotional resistance to wrong teaching or unrealistic demands, other heart issues remain. It is the defense mechanism of pride that is the opposite of humility, pride that makes it hard for us to truly see our own mistakes and grant others grace (or cut them some slack, to use different language!). And it is preoccupation with our own pain that makes it hard for us to empathize with the pain of others.

It’s always good to analyze our personal backgrounds and work to heal any wounds that helped to cause such defense mechanisms or blind spots. And then, beyond that, we inevitably come face to face with the inherent flaws in human nature and our need to overcome them.

Because this blog is written for people of all faiths and no faith at all, that is the point at which I’ll invite you to continue your spiritual journey on your own.

I hope that I have presented useful information and helped you to think about the issues of conflict resolution and forgiveness in new ways. I also hope I have opened your eyes to how different cultural beliefs can impact an entire nation. If I have done some of that, then I have succeeded. Now we’ll move on to a new topic! “And now for something completely different!”

© 2012 Caryl D. Schlicher A Bridge To Excellence

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts totaling no more than 10 sentences and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Caryl Schlicher and A Bridge To Excellence, and provided that the appropriate URL is given to direct readers to the original content.

The first misconception was the idea that people should “forgive and forget.” If we examine the Christian Bible, we find in Matthew 18:17 that even Jesus suggested shunning wrongdoers when they won’t listen to wise counsel and repent of bad behavior. This is far from forgetting about an incident. Of course, the freedom to resort to such an extreme measure must also be counter-balanced by other Scripture, which advocates humility, compassion, love, patience, kindness, etc.

The second misconception may be the most damaging idea of all, the idea that conflict discussion is to be avoided, that it is somehow wrong to bring up hurt feelings or a perceived offense. Forgiveness must be accomplished even when such discussion is impossible, but forbidding such discussion is an unhealthy idea that makes forgiveness harder, and is one of the hallmarks of what counselors call “dysfunctional families.”

People often learn in their childhoods that it is not safe to address conflict openly. Maybe one or both parents react to such expressions with anger or even rejection. Maybe the parents discredit the child with what counselors call “invalidation.” All invalidation should be avoided and replaced with empathy and good listening habits.

Invalidation is common in our culture in its milder forms, but consistent use of invalidating statements against someone, especially the more severe examples, is a form of psychological abuse. Invalidation takes many forms:

Minimizing feelings – You must be kidding! It can’t be that bad. You’re just tired.

Philosophizing – Time heals all wounds. Live and learn. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Using reason or debating – It’s not worth getting so upset. It doesn’t make sense to feel that way. Let’s look at the facts. I don’t ALWAYS do that.

Shaming or Judging – You’re oversensitive. You’re a crybaby. You’re too thin-skinned, too emotional. You’re over-reacting!  Are you still upset over that? There’s something wrong with you. What’s your problem? Can’t you take a joke?

Telling You How to Feel – You should be excited. You should be thankful. You shouldn’t let it bother you. You shouldn’t say that. That shouldn’t hurt you. Don’t be so sad. Get over it! Forget about it! Give it a rest!

Telling You to Look Differently – Don’t look so sad. Don’t look so serious.

Trying to Isolate You – You’re the only one who feels that way.

Denying Your Perception or Denying Reality – You’ve got it all wrong. Now you know that isn’t true. But I DO listen to you! You’re imagining things. That never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t remember that.

Defending the Other Person – Maybe he was just having a bad day. I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that. I’m sure he means well. He was just. . .

Turning the Tables – How dare you hurt me by telling me you are hurt!

Shaming the person, denying reality, and turning the tables are especially damaging. They send one of two messages: either “you are bad” or “you are crazy.” But any form of invalidation, when occurring too frequently, can do psychological damage. If children grow up to internalize these messages rather than question them, they will no doubt pass the dysfunction onto the next generation when they become parents themselves. They often do not realize just how damaging such comments are.

The bottom line is, in an invalidating environment, the message is “don’t discuss conflict,” and the result is that negative feelings fester, making forgiveness more difficult.

As indicated in Part I, some Christians live by distorted versions of Scriptural teaching. In this case, they preach extreme conflict avoidance as a virtue. “Bear with one another. . .  The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience . . . Turn the other cheek . . . Blessed are the peacemakers . . . if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” These verses are gems of good advice, but in a dysfunctional Christian family, they are used as weapons to silence healthy discussion of conflict. The unwritten rule becomes “don’t rock the boat” or “sweep it under the rug – everything’s fine.”

Of course, these patterns of unhealthy suppression can also exist in non-Christian families. In all cases, the patterns can then be carried out of the home and into the workplace as well. The peace that is obtained is not real peace, but a pseudo-peace in which conflict festers under the surface and eventually causes worse problems than a simple discussion ever would have caused. Those who submit to such a dysfunctional rule might respond a couple ways: either carry the pain and frustration or go into denial (a psychological defense against a painful reality). Either way, depression and anxiety are often the result, along with health problems, sleep problems, memory problems, passive-aggressive behavior, covert hostility, etc.

One needs only to look at the rest of the Matthew 18 verse to realize that once again Scripture is being taken to extremes and distorted by those who preach suppression of discussion and “peace at any price.” In verses 15-17, Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over, but if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

So you see from this entire verse that Jesus advocated open discussion of conflict with the offending party. Not pretending an offense never occurred. Not complaining to a third party or gossiping. Not stewing and giving the “cold shoulder” as an alternative to open discussion. Not rude comments. Not mind games. Not passive-aggressive, covert hostility as a form of secret revenge. But simple, straightforward discussion. And it’s important to note that other verses call for doing it in a humble fashion, examining one’s own faults first, and not coming across as hostile.

Of course, we all understand that we don’t need to discuss every little thing all the time. We can let some things go, and use good judgment.

Understanding the value of conflict resolution conversations is an important step in facilitating forgiveness. We’ll finish this series in Part 3!

© 2012 Caryl D. Schlicher A Bridge To Excellence

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts totaling no more than 10 sentences and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Caryl Schlicher and A Bridge To Excellence, and provided that the appropriate URL is given to direct readers to the original content.

The obvious place to start is making sure we understand what forgiveness is. Forgiveness means we let go of feelings of hatred, animosity, or resentment, and we let go of a desire for revenge. In bad situations, that may feel like an impossible task, and we may believe we will never be able to forgive. However, the painful truth we all must eventually accept is that failing to forgive means we keep carrying that hostility around with us, and we end up suffering more than the person who hurt us. As someone once said, “Failing to forgive is like drinking a bottle of poison and waiting for the other person to die.” If we continue to carry the hostility, even if we put our negative feelings on the “back burner” and try to forget them, this negativity can destroy not only our happiness, but our health as well. What’s more, people professing to be Christian are supposed to follow the teachings of Jesus, who taught that failing to forgive will mean that God will not forgive OUR sins: “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6: 14-15)

The bottom line is that, no matter who we are or what faith we have, forgiveness is a good thing. And the good news for all of us – Christian or not – is that clearing away misconceptions can make it much easier to reach forgiveness.

One misconception is that forgiveness requires forgetting. Even some Christian pastors preach the “forgive and forget” option. I believe this is an example of how our culture has drifted away from an accurate knowledge of Biblical teaching. In Scripture, Christians are clearly commanded over and over to forgive, and Scripture taken as a whole suggests that it doesn’t matter whether or not the wrongdoer has repented. But there is no basis for suggesting that forgetting is also required, or that consequences and healthy boundaries cannot be created when necessary. In fact, in the New Testament book of Matthew, Chapter 18, Jesus describes a process for conflict resolution and ends by instructing people to treat an unrepentant wrongdoer like a “pagan or a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:17) In that day, that meant shunning the person. That’s almost as far as you can get from forgetting about the incident. Of course, that doesn’t mean that people should routinely reject others for their hurtful behavior. It’s a matter of balance and a matter of treating each situation individually, neither enabling wrongdoers at the one extreme nor indulging in habitual, harsh condemnation of others at the other extreme. It’s a matter of keeping all options on the table, options that work for all people regardless of their religious beliefs.

What a shock it must be for many people, even many Christians who haven’t studied the Bible enough, to realize that Jesus could advocate such a strong response for an unrepentant wrongdoer. It was certainly a cataclysmic eye opener for me, a lifelong Christian, when I first found that verse years ago. In his book, Gray Matter, neurosurgeon Dr. David Levy describes his own misperceptions of the historical Jesus: “I didn’t want to worship Jesus. In my view, he was too humble, too nice, and too easily walked on. That wasn’t who I wanted to be.”

What a surprise for many Americans to realize that the image of Jesus so prevalent in our culture – that extreme all-you-need-is-love wimp who treats forgiveness like a form of amnesia, turning a blind eye, abandoning any real moral code, sweeping problems under the rug, and making justice obsolete – is a distortion, a falsehood, a misrepresentation that has gradually developed over time! Like all widespread and enduring distortions, the distortion is based upon certain true details, but the truth has been taken to ridiculous extremes in some segments of American culture, and the rest of the story – the counter-balancing truth – has been omitted for a variety of reasons.

And so, misconceptions reign. The full truth gets lost. And in the case of our topic at hand, forgiveness gradually becomes a perverted concept, something distasteful, something that feels wrong in our souls because it seems to enable wrongdoing, something that someone could ultimately call  “immoral.” With this widespread confusion permeating our culture, is it any wonder that so many people struggle with forgiveness? Ah, but we’ve only just begun to examine the misconceptions! We’ll continue in Part 2!

© 2012 Caryl D. Schlicher A Bridge To Excellence

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts totaling no more than 10 sentences and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Caryl Schlicher and A Bridge To Excellence, and provided that the appropriate URL is given to direct readers to the original content.